Hornblower and the E-Mail Saga
by Laura


AUTHOR'S NOTES: The following fanfic is made up entirely of e-mail
messages, based around episode 1. And none of the links actually
work; they are just made up purely for the purposes of the story.
Enjoy!

* * *
TO: eccleston@lieutenant.com
CC: chadd@lieutenant.com
FROM: captain_pellew@britishnavy.com
SUBJECT: MESSAGE FROM FRANCE

Lieutenant Eccleston,

What do you make of the following message from France?

CAPTAIN PELLEW

> TO: admiral@britishnavy.com;channel_fleet@britishnavy.com;
flag_rank@britishnavy.com
> FROM: naval_headquarters@frenchgov.com
> SUBJECT: FW: LOIUS IS DEAD

> > LOUIS IS DEAD. TRIED AND EXECUTED FOR CRIMES AGAINST THE
PEOPLE.> >

 

TO: captain_pellew@britishnavy.com
CC: chadd@lieutenant.com
FROM: eccleston@lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: RE: MESSAGE FROM FRANCE

Looks like war, Sir. I suggest we clear for action immediately. A
third of the crew will remain on the Justinian, a third will go to
Arafusia under Captain Charles Hammond, and another third will come
on the Indefatigable.

Lieutenant Eccleston

* * *

TO: styles@crewmen.com
FROM: oldroyd@crewmen.com
SUBJECT: check this out

Styles,

Look at this website: www.17thcentury_babes.com. What do you think?

Oldroyd

 

TO: oldroyd@crewmen.com
FROM: styles@crewmen.com
SUBJECT: Re: check this out

It's great, I've book-marked it. I like that chick on page 3 the
best!!! I'll forward it on to Matthews and Finch.

Better go, otherwise "His Majesty's Latest Bad Bargain" will see this.

 

TO: styles@crewmen.com
CC: oldroyd@crewman.com; matthews@crewmen.com; finch@crewmen.com
FROM: archie@GAARRHHH.com
SUBJECT: Belay that!

BELAY THAT, STYLES! Unless you want to find your files in the
recycling bin!

Midshipman Kennedy

* * *

TO: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
FROM: nasty_jack666@icu_bully.com
SUBJECT: screensaver

i have otomatically put my face on your screensaver, snotty.

SIMPSON

 

TO: nasty_jack666@icu_bully.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: Re: screensaver

What do you mean by helping yourself to my screensaver, Sir? There's
nothing in Keane's regulations about that. In fact, only the British
flag is meant to be on our screensavers.

Midshipman Hornblower

 

TO: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
CC: archie@GAARRHHH.com; clayton@no_first_name.com
FROM: nasty_jack666@icu_bully.com
SUBJECT: I PISS ON YOUR REGULATIONS!

I PISS ON YOUR REGULATIONS! So you know who runs this e-mail, I'll
get kennedy or clayton to spam you evry nite until I tell them
otherwise...

SIMPSON

 

TO: nasty_jack666@icu_bully.com
FROM: clayton@no_first_name.com
SUBJECT: stand off

Stand off...Stand off, Jack. Or by God I'll send your computer a
virus.

Midshipman Clayton

 

TO: clayton@no_first_name.com
FROM: nasty_jack666@icu_bully.com
SUBJECT: Re: stand off

clayton, i have no quarrel with you...my, how bold you are with a
mouse in your hand.

SIMPSON

* * *

TO: archie@GAARRHHH.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: I bet...

Hey Archie,

I bet Simpson wouldn't be able to use the Internet if his dear life
depended on it.

Horatio

 

TO: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
FROM: archie@GAARRHHH.com
SUBJECT: Re: I bet...

LOL Horatio! :-)

Archie

* * *

TO: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com; chalk_posh@lieutenant.com
FROM: nasty_jack666@icu_bully.com
SUBJECT: wots wrong with this stupid thing?

SUMFINGS WRONG WITH MY E-MAIL SISTEM. IT DAMN-WELL KEEPS GIVEING ME A
WAURNING MESAGE...SUMFING ABOUT MY E-MAIL BEING TOO FULL...

SIMPSON

 

TO: nasty_jack666@icu_bully.com
CC: chalk_posh@lieutenant.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: Re: wots wrong with this stupid thing?

Your inbox has too many messages.

Midshipman Hornblower

 

TO: nasty_jack666@icu_bully.com
CC: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
FROM: chalk_posh@yahoo.com
SUBJECT: Re: wots wrong with this stupid thing?

I assume something is preventing you from manually clearing out your
messages. My suggestion would be to call the help desk on extension
007-Justinian. Alternatively, you could e-mail your ISP, asking them
to do it for you. Ensure you do a spell check before you send it.

Lieutenant Chalk

 

TO: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
FROM: nasty_jack666@icu_bully.com
SUBJECT: Re: wots wrong with this stupid thing?

your very sure? you know too much about the internet...wot do you
mean my inbox has too many mesages?

SIMPSON

 

TO: nasty_jack666@icu_bully.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: Re: wots wrong with this stupid thing?

Your inbox has too many messages stored inside it; it's too full. You
should delete some old messages - that's what Lieutenant Chalk was
talking about before.

Midshipman Hornblower

 

TO: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
FROM: nasty_jack666@icu_bully.com
SUBJECT: Re: wots wrong with this stupid thing?

deleet sum old mesages? never this side of hell.

SIMPSON

* * *

TO: clayton@no_first_name.com
FROM: hepplewhite@fatdoc.com
SUBJECT: illegal operation

Clayton,

Your computer has performed an illegal operation and will be shut
down.

Doctor Hepplewhite

 

TO: hepplewhite@fatdoc.com
FROM: clayton@no_first_name.com
SUBJECT: Re: illegal operation

Legal or not, Dr Hepplewhite, it would settle the matter...I'm
willing to let Simpson use my proxy server unless, of course, he is
willing to delete old messages.

Midshipman Clayton

 

TO: clayton@no_first_name.com
FROM: hepplewhite@fatdoc.com
SUBJECT: Re: illegal operation

It's too late, Clayton. Your computer has been shut down already.

Doctor Hepplewhite

* * *

TO: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com; cleveland@yahoo.com;
hether@yahoo.com
FROM: archie@GAARRHHH.com
SUBJECT: Indefatigable!

Horatio! Hether! Cleveland!

Captain Keane has recommended our transfer toINDEFATIGABLE!!Poor
old Clayton...always wanted to visit the Indy via Internettoo bad
his computer had to be shutdown.

Archie

* * *

TO: indygroup_frigate@intranet.com
FROM: captain_pellew@yahoo.com
SUBJECT: Attachment: God save the King!

We have just received communication with France...Britain is at war.
Please open and read the attachment.

CAPTAIN PELLEW

* * *

TO: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
FROM: captain_pellew@britishnavy.com
SUBJECT: Fw: Admiralty Dispatches

You seem to have a good grasp of how e-mail works, Mr Hornblower.
Could you please assist in opening this attachment for me?

CAPTAIN PELLEW

 

TO: captain_pellew@britishnavy.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: Re: Fw: Admiralty Dispatches

Sir,

It seems to be require Real Player to open the attachment. You'll
need to go to www.realplayer.com and install this program.

Midshipman Hornblower

 

TO: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
FROM: captain_pellew@britishnavy.com
SUBJECT: Re: Fw: Admiralty Dispatches

Your suggestion, Sir, infested my computer with a virus and deleted
all my messages!

CAPTAIN PELLEW

 

TO: captain_pellew@britishnavy.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: Re: Fw: Admiralty Dispatches

Sir,

Nobody regrets the loss of your messages more than I, and I resent
your reprimand. I was only trying to help.

Midshipman Hornblower

 

TO: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
FROM: captain_pellew@britishnavy.com
SUBJECT: Re: Fw: Admiralty Dispatches

YOU RESENT??!! DAMN YOUR IMPUDENCE, SIR! I will not lose messages for
no better cause than the satisfaction of showing off your own
computer skills!

CAPTAIN PELLEW

P.S. You are now in charge of Simpson's division.

* * *

TO: oldroyd@crewmen.com; styles@crewmen.com; matthews@crewmen.com;
finch@crewmen.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: no more filth!

I know what you have all been up to looking up inappropriate
websites on the Internet. I will have no more of these filthy games.
You could be hanged, court-marshaled, or even worse have your
computer log-ins revoked. You could be rendered unfit for breach of
the computer code of conduct.

Midshipman Hornblower

 

TO: horatio_hornblower@handsome_hero.com
CC: finch@crewmen.com; oldroyd@crewmen.com; styles@crewmen.com
FROM: matthews@crewman.com
SUBJECT: Re: no more filth!

Mr Simpson had no argument with us, Sir.

Matthews

 

TO: matthews@crewmen.com; finch@crewmen.com; oldroyd@crewmen.com;
styles@crewmen.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower@handsome_hero.com
SUBJECT: Re: no more filth!

Mr Simpson wasn't responsible enough to keep this filth away from the
frigate. I am.

Midshipman Hornblower

* * *

TO: horatio_hornblower@handsome_heroes.com
FROM: archie@GAARRHHH.com
SUBJECT: I killed two!

Did you see me?! Did you see me?! Well, where were you? I killed two
viruseswell one, certainly...Oh you should have been there, Horatio!
You should have been there.

Archie :-)

* * *

TO: archie@GAARRHHH.com
FROM: nasty_jack666@icu_bully.com
SUBJECT: hello archie

hello archie...it's been a long time...JACKs missed you, boy! how
bout we catch up on old times? I'll see you in the chat room!

SIMPSON

TO: nasty_jack666@icu_bully.com
FROM: archie@GAARRHHH.com
SUBJECT: Re: hello archie

GGGAAAAARRRRRHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!