Hornblower and the Email Saga, Part 3
by Laura

 

TO: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
CC: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com; buckland (at) mis-
management.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: MS Excel

So...you don't know how to how to use Microsoft Excel?

Hornblower, 3rd Lieutenant

 

TO: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
CC: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com; buckland (at) mis-
management.com
FROM: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: MS Excel

I know the basics.

Bush, 2nd Lieutenant

 

TO: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
CC: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com; buckland (at) mis-
management.com
FROM: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: MS Excel

Basics in spreadsheets or formulas?

Kennedy, 4th Lieutenant

 

TO: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
CC: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com; buckland (at) mis-
management.com
FROM: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: MS Excel

What are you IMPLYING Mr...Kennedy? I don't think I care very much
for your e-mail, Sir!

Bush

 

TO: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
CC: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com; new_improved_archie
(at) lieutenant.com
FROM: buckland (at) mis-management.com
SUBJECT: Re: MS Excel

Come come, Mr Kennedy was merely offering help-desk advice. Let me
give you a personal run-through of your PC and it's features.

Buckland, 1st Lieutenant

 

TO: buckland (at) mis-management.com
CC: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com; new_improved_archie
(at) lieutenant.com
FROM: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: MS Excel

Very good of you.

Bush

* * *

(Archie has been given the task of sending spiteful words to the
Spanish fleet in the hope that they will think again about sending
viruses. Alas, this goes wrong, as Archie somehow sends it to
Sawyer's e-mail by mistake. Sawyer reads it and thinks that WELLARD
did it).

TO: wellard (at) giggle_cookie.com
CC: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com; new_improved_archie
(at) lieutenant.com; bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com; buckland
(at) mis-management.com; hobbs (at) loyal_bully.com
FROM: CAPTAIN_SAWYER (at) britishnavy.com
SUBJECT: MUTINY!!

I'll teach you to conspire, MR WELLARD! to write bad things about
me on my own e-mail! You are sulking ridiculously...You'll be sorry
for this!

SAWYER

 

TO: CAPTAIN_SAWYER (at) britishnavy.com
CC: wellard (at) giggle_cookie.com; horatio_hornblower (at)
handsome_heroes.com; bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com; buckland
(at) mis-management.com; hobbs (at) loyal_bully.com
FROM: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: MUTINY!!

I was given the order, Sir, of sending our enemies discouraging words
via the Internet. I regret that I made a mistake of sending them to
you.

Kennedy, 4th Lieutenant

 

TO: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
CC: wellard (at) giggle_cookie.com; horatio_hornblower (at)
handsome_heroes.com; bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com; buckland
(at) mis-management.com; hobbs (at) loyal_bully.com
FROM: CAPTAIN_SAWYER (at) britishnavy.com
SUBJECT: Re: MUTINY!!

You are sadly mistaken, Mr Kennedy, if you believe there is any good
in this young fellow...Unless, of course, you are part and parcel of
this blatant Internet abuse!

SAWYER

 

TO: CAPTAIN_SAWYER (at) britishnavy.com
CC: wellard (at) giggle_cookie.com; horatio_hornblower (at)
handsome_heroes.com; bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com; buckland
(at) mis-management.com; hobbs (at) loyal_bully.com
FROM: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: MUTINY!!

I was merely observing that Mr Wellard is innocent, as it was I who
made the mistake.

Kennedy, 4th Lieutenant

***

TO: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
CC: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com; buckland (at) mis-
management.com
FROM: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Fwd: Re: MUTINY!!

Captain Sawyer is such a twit! He really should learn to CHECK who
sent him the e-mail!

Kennedy

 

TO: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
CC: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com; buckland (at) mis-
management.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: Re: Fwd: Re: MUTINY!!

...Then why didn't YOU check the e-mail address before sending it???

Hornblower

***

(Bush forwards Archie's "twit" e-mail to the entire British navy):

TO: entire_british_navy (at) intranet.com
FROM: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com;
SUBJECT: Fwd: Fwd: Re: MUTINY!!

>Captain Sawyer is such a twit! He really should learn to CHECK who
sent him the e->mail!

>Kennedy

 

>Then why didn't YOU check the e-mail address before sending it???

>Hornblower

 

TO: entire_british_navy (at) intranet.com
FROM: hobbs (at) loyal_bully.com
SUBJECT: Re: Fwd: Fwd: Re: MUTINY!!

Lt Kennedy called our Captain a twit! He should pay for that!

Hobbs

 

TO: renown_frigate (at) intranet.com
FROM: randall (at) crewmen.com
SUBJECT: Re: Fwd: Fwd: Re: MUTINY!!

aye!!

randall

 

TO: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
FROM: new_improved_arhie (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: Fwd: Fwd: Re: MUTINY!!

WHY THE HELL DID YOU SEND THAT BLOODY MESSAGE TO THE ENTIRE FLEET??!
NOW I'LL BE FORCED TO APAOLOGIZE!

Kennedy >:-(

 

TO: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
FROM: new_improved_arhie (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: Fwd: Fwd: Re: MUTINY!!

I meant to write APOLOGIZE, not APAOLOGIZE.

Kennedy

***

TO: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
CC: wellard (at) giggle_cookie.com; horatio_hornblower (at)
handsome_heroes.com; new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com;
buckland (at) mis-management.com; hobbs (at) loyal_bully.com
FROM: CAPTAIN_SAWYER (at) britishnavy.com
SUBJECT: Re: MUTINY!!

What do you say, Mr Bush? We can rely on your judgement, I'm sure!

SAWYER

 

TO: CAPTAIN_SAWYER (at) britishnavy.com
CC: wellard (at) giggle_cookie.com; horatio_hornblower (at)
handsome_heroes.com; new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com;
buckland (at) mis-management.com; hobbs (at) loyal_bully.com
FROM: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: MUTINY!!

The boy knows nothing, Sir. Doesn't know the modem from the desktop!

Bush

 

TO: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
CC: wellard (at) giggle_cookie.com; horatio_hornblower (at)
handsome_heroes.com; new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com;
buckland (at) mis-management.com; hobbs (at) loyal_bully.com
FROM: CAPTAIN_SAWYER (at) britishnavy.com
SUBJECT: Re: MUTINY!!

Oh no, Mr Bush, you're too honest. I knew the moment I first got your
e-mail. You don't understand these...poisonous young reptiles. We
must dredge the passwords out of them! MR WELLARD, you will meet me
on the Flogging List @ YahooGroups at four midi- sound-file bells,
E.S.T.! Another dozen of your files deleted, and you'll coooooo like
a dove!

SAWYER

***

TO: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
CC: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
FROM: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Intervene

We MUST intervene!!!

Kennedy

 

TO: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
CC: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
FROM: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: Intervene

The Captain is master of his ship...and the Internet Department. Mr
Hornblower, may I suggest you take the time to remiiiiind Mr Kennedy
that he is merely 4th Lieutenant on board this ship...and merely the
Help-Desk Support Officer at that.

Bush

***

(An angry Archie flees to Hornblower to do some on-line bitching
about Bush)

TO: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
FROM: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: I `8' BUSH ALOT

HE is the Chief Information Officer! Why did he not e-mail Sawyer
when he had the CHANCE?!

Archie >:-(

 

TO: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: Re: I `8' BUSH ALOT

To say what? The Captain's inbox was too full. If Bush had e-mailed
him about Wellard it would have only made things worse (like crash
his system).

Horatio

By the way, you spelt "a lot" incorrectly. It's two words.

And what's this, Archie: >:-( ?

 

TO: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
FROM: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: I `8' BUSH ALOT

You think I made it worse? You think I should have held back my e-
mail message?!

Archie

P.S. Ooh, I am SOOOO sorry for the mis-spelling! And this >:-( is
meant to be an angry facecan't you see how the eyebrows are shaped?!
It was my own invention, and I thought it was rather clever, thank
you very much!

 

TO: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: Re: I `8' BUSH A LOT

...Well, you acted for the best.

Horatio

 

TO: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
FROM: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: I `8' BUSH A LOT

Huh!! Well there's a precious sop for my conscience!

Archie :-(

***

(Hornblower and Bush are checking that their website is up-to-date).

TO: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: Website

Mr Bush,

The website now only has two components missing...from that of seven
components, previously.

Hornblower

 

TO: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
FROM: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: Website

Better!

 

TO: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: Re: Website

But not good enough...

 

TO: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
FROM: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: Website

UPLOAD!

 

TO: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: Re: Website

UPLOAD!

***

(The Spanish fleet has had all their computer programs upgraded...and
is threatening to gain control of the British Internet system).

TO: buckland (at) mis-management.com
CC: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com; bush_hates_turnips (at)
lieutenant.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: Threat to British Internet

Mr Buckland,

Should I inform the Captain?

Hornblower

 

TO: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
CC: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com; bush_hates_turnips (at)
lieutenant.com
FROM: buckland (at) mis-management.com
SUBJECT: Re: Threat to British Internet

No - no need, Mr Hornblower...36 megabytes to our 74. They'd never
dare to approach our computers.

Buckland

 

TO: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
FROM: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: Threat to British Internet

Horatio,

"Threat" and "Internet" rhymes! LOL!

Archie

 

TO: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
FROM: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com
SUBJECT: Re: Threat to British Internet

...........Er, yes, thank you Archie.

Horatio

 

TO: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com; bush_hates_turnips
(at) lieutenant.com; buckland (at) mis-management.com
FROM: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: Threat to British Internet

Windows XP! They're using Windows XP!

Kennedy

 

TO: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com; new_improved_archie
(at) lieutenant.com; buckland (at) mis-management.com
FROM: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: Threat to British Internet

Well the odds have changed a bit.

Bush

 

TO: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com; horatio_hornblower (at)
handsome_heroes.com; new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
FROM: buckland (at) mis-management.com
SUBJECT: Re: Threat to British Internet

Damn.

Buckland

 

TO: renown_frigate (at) intranet.com
FROM: CAPTAIN_SAWYER (at) britishnavy.com
SUBJECT: Re: Threat to British Internet

Clear my inbox!!! Clear my inbox, DAMN YOU!!!

SAWYER

***

(Sawyer has caught brief glimpses of Horatio's, Archie's and
Buckland's conversation in the chat room. Naturally, he thinks it's
mutiny.)

TO: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
CC: wellard (at) giggle_cookie.com; horatio_hornblower (at)
handsome_heroes.com; new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com;
buckland (at) mis-management.com; hobbs (at) loyal_bully.com
FROM: CAPTAIN_SAWYER (at) britishnavy.com
SUBJECT: A MUTINOUS DISCUSSION!

A mutinous discussion on my own "chat room"...Bear witness to it Mr
Hobbs! Mr Bush, I'm disappointed in you - why did you not tell me
about this?

SAWYER

 

TO: CAPTAIN_SAWYER (at) britishnavy.com
CC: wellard (at) giggle_cookie.com; horatio_hornblower (at)
handsome_heroes.com; new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com;
buckland (at) mis-management.com; hobbs (at) loyal_bully.com
FROM: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: A MUTINOUS DISCUSSION!

I wasn't aware of it, Sir, I was helping Mr Wellard delete unwanted
files.

Bush

 

TO: wellard (at) giggle_cookie.com
CC: horatio_hornblower (at) handsome_heroes.com; new_improved_archie
(at) lieutenant.com; bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com; buckland
(at) mis-management.com; hobbs (at) loyal_bully.com
FROM: CAPTAIN_SAWYER (at) britishnavy.com
SUBJECT: Re: A MUTINOUS DISCUSSION!

Ah, Mr Wellard, who is on work experience!!! Two weeks work
experience, and you're out of your depth already! I doubt you have a
single online friend left in the chatroom!

Much obliged, Mr Bush, much obliged.

SAWYER

* * *

(Archie has been checking site statistics to see if people are
logging onto their website).

TO: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
FROM: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Any hits?

Well, Mr Kennedy? Are people visiting our website?

Bush

 

TO: bush_hates_turnips (at) lieutenant.com
FROM: new_improved_archie (at) lieutenant.com
SUBJECT: Re: Any hits?

A hit! A palpable hit!

Kennedy :-)

***

(Hobbs interrogates Wellard).

TO: wellard (at) giggle_cookie.com
FROM: hobbs (at) loyal_bully.com
SUBJECT: Have you ever?

Have you ever? Built a website? You might find starting a Yahoo!Group
easier...

Hobbs

***

:-) !=THE END=! :-)