Fractured Nautical Terms
Warnings: Some toilet humor...literally. Have you SEEN some of these
Fractured Definitions of Nautical Terms that Would Drive The 18th
Century Navy Nuts
Aback: the opposite of "a front"
A Board: One of those wooden things the ship is made out of.
Afloat: (also called "A floatie") those green things that float in
the ships water.
Along Shore: When the shoreline is really long.
The Anchor is Cockbill: When you tie a rooster's beak to an anchor.
Atrip: What you take when you step wrong on those steep stairs.
To bagpipe the mizen: PLaying the bagpipes on the mizen
Bale: What you do to hay.
Barge: Walking in on someone in the bathroom.
Bear a-hand: When a bear eats one of your hands.
To bear off: To throw the bear that ate your hand off the ship.
(seriously, what the heck was a bear doing on your ship to start
Birth: To have a baby.
Bitts: What your ship gets blown into when you don't know what
Bitter: What the crew becomes when they run out of alcoholic
Block: Something your two year old plays with on deck.
Block and Block: Two blocks.
Board and Board: Two boards.
Bold shore: When the shore is very bold.
Bonnet of a Sail: When you make a bonnet out of the sail....which
might get you into a lot of trouble with the Captain, so we don't
advise trying it.
Both Sheets Aft: To throw someone's bedsheets off the back of the
Boxing: What happenes when you get disagreements below decks,
amongst the men.
Broadside: The side of a broad.
Capstan: The guy who is in charge of the ship.
Cat's Paw: 1. usually found attached to the cat's leg. 2. A kind
of Tornado that jumps up and down like a cat's paw, playing with a
mouse. (sorry, I'm a storm spotter...it slipped)
Cat-Head: Attached to the cat's neck.
Chaser: 1. A firecracker that is illegal in the city limits. 2.
Some wierdo who chases Tornados....(right sorry....focus....nautical
terms, not chase terms...)
To Clear the Anchor: To get rid of the anchor.
To Come Home: Usually done after a long voyage at sea.
Crow-Foot: Generally attached to the crow's leg.
Dead Lights: When the lights burn out.
To Draw: That's what I do with a pencil and paper.
Driver: A golf club
Driving: Done in a car.
To Drop a Stern: When the back of your ship falls off.
To Drop down a River: That's what they do when they clean the
To Edge away: Generally done when someone beside you breaks wind.
Fairway: 1. Playing by the rules. 2. Another golf term
To Fall a-stern: To fall off the back of the ship.
To Fall down: See "Atrip".
Falling off: To fall off ANY part of the ship.
Fall not off: The opposite of Falling off.
Fish: Food mostly caught in water.
Fish-hook: Used to catch fish.
To Fish the Anchor: What happens when a whale swallows your anchor.
Fore: Shouted by golfers before they hit someone in the head with a
Forward: The opposite of backward.
To Freshen: When the crew takes a bath.
To Freshen the Hawse: When the crew cleans out their sleeping area.
Fresh Away: The ship, after the bathing and cleaning.
Full: When a ship can hold no more crew.
Full-and-by: When a ship has too MUCH crew.
Gripe of a ship: When the crew starts complaining about their living
Groin in the Cable: Ummm, let's just not talk about this one.
Ground Tackle: Generally preformed on a football field.
Growing: Those funny green things in the ship's water.
Gun-Room: See Burt Gummer's Basement. (ie the movie "Tremors")
Guy: Generally what the crew is composed of.
Head-Fast: When you REALLY have to go to the bathroom.
To Heave: To Barf, puke, blow chunks, throw up, up chuck, vomit,
To heave short: To throw up only a little.
To heave the Capstern: To throw up down the Captain's back.
To Heave handsomely: Is there really such thing?
To Heave Heartliy: (the real definition) -- "To Heave strong and
quick." (Nuff said...)
To Heel: A command usually given to dogs.
Hitch: To get married.
Hold: What you can get put on when you dial 9-1-1.
To Hold on: What you should do when you're hanging off the topyard.
Horse: A mammal that Horatio Hornblower has no idea how to ride.
Jolly-Boat: A happy little boat.
Junk: See "Justinian"
To Keep Full: what must be done to the ship's alcohol supply.
Laid Up: What happens to Midshipman when exposed to Jack Simpson.
Large: The opposite of small.
Land-fall: No, last we checked, it was the sky that was falling, not
Leak: Can cause your ship to sink if it's not repaired.
Lee: Jamie Bamber in Battlestar Galactica.
Leaches: Bloodsucking, disgusting, slimey little creatures....ie See
Magazine: Reading material in the bathroom.
To make foul water: Using the toilet.
To make the Land: An act of God.
To make Water: See "To make foul Water"
Maul: What a velociraptor does to you.
Monkey: A pet kept by a crewman
Monkey-Blocks: Something for the monkey to play with.
Monkey-jacket: Clothing for the monkey.
Monkey-poop: What the monkeys owner ends up cleaning off his
Open: The opposite of closed.
Over-Board: Where they pitch the monkey when they get tired of
cleaning the poop up.
Poop: Often found floating in your toilet.
Pooping: Something done while sitting on the toilet, often while
reading a magazine.
To rake: Done in the garden.
Rear: Someone's hind end.
Ride at Anchor: When you tie someone to the anchor and throw them
into the water.
Rigging out a boom: Setting a bomb.
Sea Boat: When you look out and see a boat.
Sea cloths: When you look out and notice someone has thrown your
Shivering: What you do in the winter when you don't have enough
Spring: The Season after Winter and before Summer.
To Stand on: When you stand on something.
To Stand off: The opposite of Stand on.
Stretch out: 1. Something you can't do in a hammock. 2. Wrong
movie genius, this is "Hornblower", not "Fantastic 4!"
Surf: A sport popular in California and Hawaii.
Tide it up: Washing your clothes.
Topping: Good on icecream.
Truck: A vehicle we don't advise you try in the water.
Van: See "Truck"
Under-foot: Whatever is under your feet.
Wake: When you're not asleep.
Warp: What's happening to people reading this list.
Water-line: A line made out of water.
Water-borne: When you're born in the water.
Weather beaten: What happens to your ship when you're caught in a
To weigh Anchor: To find out what the anchor weighs....oh wait, I
did that one.
Whipping: See Midshipman Wellard.
The Wind's Eye: The eye of a hurricane.
The End: The end of this entire pointless list.
Feedback: What you can give Cassi to tell her what you think of this