A Hornblower Thanksgiving
by Michele

 

Horatio: Styles... put the turkey BACK, Styles.... We are not all
seated yet.... We eat when *I* say we eat, and we eat together...

Styles: Aw, but SIR....

Horatio: Don't froth at the mouth, you've seen a turkey before, man!

Styles [muttering]: Not in six bloody months, I haven't....

Horatio: Is everyone ready for dinner?

Duchess: Oh bugger dinner... when is this storm going to end?

Horatio: Archie -- what's the matter?

Archie: I will not eat the turkey -- do not ask me to!!

Horatio: Archie... you're going to drink, you're going to eat, and
you're going to get indigestion....

Archie: Nno....

Horatio: You're one of us -- we don't eat unless you do!

Oldroyd: Speak for yourself, sir...

Archie: Oh, all right, but only if HE does! [points at Mr. Hunter]

Mr. Hunter: We'll not be bought with this muck, lads -- it's English
beef we want, and English BEER!

Archie [interrupting]: Eat -- stay strong!

Horatio: Mistah Huntah, what are you doing?

Mr. Hunter: I am only doing my duty, sir, which is to stomp this
fruit and make the cranberry sauce!

Captain Foster: Mr. Hornblower, you will turn over that food
immediately!

Horatio: Very well, sir, but the responsibility shall be yours!

Bunting: I'm HUUUUNNN-GRYYY!!

Captain Pellew: Any man who steals food steals it from all of us!

Mr. Tapling: Mr. Hornblower, this seat is unacceptable. There's a
smell here....

Moncoutant: Well, do not look at ME, Monsieur! It ees that Jacques
Seemp-SOHN Mr. Hornblowair has seated near you....

Jack Simpson: It's a dirty lie! Give me your mutton, Snotty!

Horatio: What do you mean by helping yourself to my vittles, sir?

Clayton [handing Horatio a mug and speaking in a soothing voice]:
Here... drop o' grog in it to warm you through....

Horatio [accepting gratefully and taking a sip]: I must thank you for
your earlier kindness, Mr. Clayton. I REALLY needed this right now --
is it a double portion?

Mariette: I would jump at zhe chance to sit next to Mr. Hornblowair...

Sir Hew: I believe you have the chef's masterpiece, Mr. Hornblower.
Do be so good as to carve it....

[Horatio begins to chop at the turkey, doing a miserable job of it...]

Duchess: Ooh, it's sufferered ENOUGH, Mr. Haytch, you don't have to
kill it again!

Bracegirdle: No, Mr. Hornblower, I told you -- venison thick, mutton
medium, beef thin...

Horatio: But what about turkey?

Hunter: It's like monkey -- you mince it with a sort of a
[demonstrates] a chopping motion....

Moncoutant: I have zhe pair-FECT device for chopping zhe turKEY...
[everyone gives him a horrified look] What?? I wiped it off first.....

Captain Pellew: But where are the pilchards???

Col. de Vergesse: The food in Paris is better.... what do YOU think,
your Excellency?

Don Massaredo: Do you wish to embarrass a Spanish gentleman in front
of his guests?

French Captain (of Marie Galante): I insist that someone please pass
zhe rice!

Horatio: Fish for it!

Captain Pellew: MISter Hornblower, ARE you doing to carve the turkey
properly or AREN'T you? ToDAY, if you please -- I do not intend to
lose any more of this dinner through your DAWDLING, sir!

Lord Edrington: I trust your business with this turkey shall be
concluded successfully? If not, my MaMAH could carve it with her
parasol!

Matthews: Beggin' your pardon, sir, but hadn't you better carve the
turkey?

Horatio: Of course, Matthews, that was my plan all along....

[Horatio reluctantly resumes carving the turkey, keeping a suspicious
eye on Moncoutant the whole time...]

Captain Foster [taking an orange from the fruit bowl and holding it
up, eyeing it critically]: You know, gentlemen, I would say that this
is a perfect orange colour...

Captain Hammond [peering at the orange]: I don't know, Foster, I
would say it's more tangerine to salmon, with tinges of green.

Captain Harvey [also considering the fruit]: No, no, NO, gentlemen,
it's yellowish apricot, with a few hints of chartreuse near the navel!

Captain Foster [eyes blazing]: This is just outrageous! If the colour
of this orange was tangerine or apricot, it would be CALLED a
tangerine or an apricot! It's a bloody ORANGE, do you hear!? [slams
fist down on table, sending dishes to rattling and clattering] It IS
orange, that's why they CALL it an orange!

Horatio [looking up from his carving]: Surely we are all allies
here....

Helm Boy: Can I say something?

Everyone: NO!!!

Bunting: I'm still HUUUUNNN-GRYYYYY!!! Can't we just eat now?

General Charette: Pour la cause la plus importante du monde! Vive le
dinner!

Admiral Lord Hood [grinning at Pellew conspiratorially]: The General
is going to eat dinner.... and we're gonna help him....

Captain Pellew: The mathematics of drumsticks... we never seem to
have enough dark meat... Ah well...better than weevily biscuits, I
suppose... We'll get this turkey served if I have to carve it myself!
[stands up at his place at the head of the table, takes the carving
knife from Horatio and proceeds to finish the job, serving everyone
as the conversation winds down and people begin to eat]

Teniente Diego Romero: Well, Mr. Hornblower, your ruse almost
succeeded. Unfortunately for you, your Captain KNEW you did not want
to carve the turkey and were just stalling, in order to pass the job
off to someone else....

Horatio: I take offense, sir....

Lord Edrington: Have a care, Mr. Hornblower. There are times when it
is better to simply shut up and eat....

[Horatio rolls his eyes but complies, hungrily digging into the meal,
as everyone enjoys their dinner, for the first time all getting along
with each other....]

ADDENDUM:

Buckland: I wanna pour the wine!!!!!

Director Grieve: NO! The last time I let you do that,
we were mopping up the set for DAYS...

Sawyer: I doubt Dr. Clive and I would have enough
room to eat a young midshipman...

Dr. Clive: No, sir, I couldn't eat another bite...

Hobbs: But who's going to be the crabs' breakfast?

Matthews: I doon't know, seein' as those crabs are particular aboot
what they eat...

Wellard: I think I'm going to LOSE my breakfast...

Sawyer: NOT ON MY QUARTERDECK!!

Dr. Clive: I think I have something that might settle
his stomach...

Randall: I want more grog!

Styles: Put that back...

Horatio: No, Styles, that was the CHICKEN...

Bush: I don't mind the chicken, as long as I don't
have to eat any TURNIPS!! Never touch them...

Senora Ortega: Anyone care for a taco??

Col. Ortega: I am not sure I trust these people... We
sit here dining while they may be plotting something...

Sawyer: Farewell and adieu to YOOOOU, Spanish ladies...

 

A Happy and Healthy Thanksgiving to all.... :)