The Indefatigable Lifestyle Show
by Laura

Author's notes: This is putting the Hornblower series in the context
of lifestyle shows such as "Better Homes and Gardens" or "Our House"
or "Burke's Backyard" or any number of shows that discuss Do-it-
yourself techniques in the garden/bathtub/kitchen/workshop etc. Your
host for this show is Archie Kennedy. Enjoy!

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THE INDEFATIGABLE LIFESTYLE SHOW

(Theme song and titles run for the show).

(Archie is looking perky and fresh. He is standing on a veranda
outside a modest brick house, surrounded by lush green ferns and well-
maintained gardens).

Archie: Hi! Welcome to the Indefatigable Lifestyle Show! Tonight we
have a jam-packed show. Firstly, Clayton shows us how to tackle those
nasty garden weeds. The lovely Duchess will be showing us how to make
our own special-scented bath crystals for a relaxing treat. Also,
Foster gets handy in the workshop. See this and more on tonight's
show!

And now over to Clayton with those nasty garden weeds. (Camera cuts
to Clayton).

SEGMENT ONE:

Clayton: Thanks Archie. Now, here have a beautiful garden that
belongs to a Mrs Jackie Simpson of Spithead. As you can see, there
are some rare flowers here, as well as camellias and daffodils (close
up of the flowers is shown). These flowers need plenty of sunshine,
according to Mrs Simpson, and are trimmed every autumn. Is that not
so, Mrs Simpson?

Mrs Simpson: Yes, that's right, Mr Clayton. It's taken me a good six
years of regular maintenance to get them where they are today.
Trouble is, every time they grow to full blossom, my son, Jack, rips
them right our of their rootshe's had a hard life, my sonhis father
used to not pay much attention to himand beat himbeat him up
(starts to sob uncontrollably).

Clayton: Yes, please, Mrs Simpson, do not distress yourself. It's
just his way. Now, you were you telling us that you were also having
some problems with the weeds.

Mrs Simpson (recovering): Yes, that's rightevery time I trim them
down they grow back again.

Clayton: Ah! I think I can most certainly help you there. You see,
each time you trim the weeds, they grow stronger and stronger
rather like roses. What you need is some INSTANT weed killer that
will get rid of them once and for all. I can have it ready for you
right now.

Mrs Simpson (with glee): Oh thankyou, thankyou!!

Clayton (turns to camera): Now these weeds are dangerous, BELIEVE ME,
you don't know half of what they're capable of (lowers voice) they
can even block the water pipe. Okay, I have here four gallons of weed
killer solution that you can get from any nursery for only two
shillings (close up of bottles). Now, you open it and pour it into
this yellow pump (close up of the pump). Then you lift up the pump
onto your back by the straps, holding the trunk-like handle, aiming
the nozzle, and spraying it over the weeds like this (demonstrates).
Now the instructions say that this is so effective that the weeds
will shrivel up within two minutes and die (sprays a bit more).

(Animated clock shows 2 minutes have passed result: weeds have not
died)

Clayton: Well, sometimes it can take longer, especially for stubborn
ones like these. We'll wait another three minutes.

(Animated clock shows 3 minutes has passed result: weeds have not
died)

Clayton: Well, we'll have to spray a bit more, won't we? (Sprays more
vigorously). We'll wait another half hour.

(Animated clock shows 30 minutes have passed result: weeds have
grown longer).

Clayton (getting frustrated): Stand off, weedsSTAND OFF WEEDS, or by
God I'll trim the garden with yer roots (holds up a pistol at them).

(Cut to Archie, where he has a worried look on his face. He suddenly
notices the camera is on him and clamps up, and puts on a cheerful
persona with a touch of nervousness)

Archie: Wellthat was some great acting from Clayton, wasn't it!
We'll be back at the end of the show to see the real result! Coming
up after the break, we'll road test some pets.

SEGMENT TWO

Archie (turning to his right side): Here is a Mr Don Alfredo De
Massaredo of Cardiz in Spain. He'll be talking about his pet dogs.
What dogs do you have for us, Mr Massaredo?

Don (lovingly stroking the dogs): I have here my pet Spaniards, Mr
Kennedy.

Archie (confused): Don't you mean Spaniels?

Don: I know these dogs, Mr Kennedy. I have lived with them for over
fifty years.

Archie: And I understand that these dogs have a well-behaved
temperament, but are quite expensive.

Don: Yes, they cost fifty pesos each, but they are very understanding
creaturesI keep regular maintenance of them, which includes washing,
brushing and trimmingbut I tell you, I luff these dogs. They are my
best friends, and I am NOSSING WIZOUT ZEM!!!

Archie (slightly turned off): Okay, er, now we'll cut to the lovely
Duchess.

SEGMENT THREE

Duchess: Well, hello there! Now, if you're anything like me, you'd do
anything for a relaxing bath after a hard day's work. So now, what
I'm going to do, is show you how to make your own soothing bath
crystalsthat's right! It takes minutes and lasts for hours.

Now, you'll need some salt, talcum powder, vinegar and a bit of Dove
soap. If you don't have access to vinegar, DON'T WORRY, you can use
sunflower oil instead, because it works just as well.

Then you pour all the ingredients into the blender, like so
(demonstrates). I know it seems funny, but you actually need it in
order for it to work properly. (She pushes the button, and it makes a
soft grounding noise. Then she presses `stop' and takes the lid off).

Now you pour the contents into a large bowl, like so, and pop it into
the freezer for about half an hour.

(Animated clock shows 30 minutes have passed. She takes it out of the
freezer).

Then, you get a spoon, like so, and begin mashing it up into little
bitsand there you have it. Your own bath crystals! Also, they're
great for turning on the man that tickles your fancy! (Shriek of
laughterShe then pours the crystals into a ready-made bath, and they
foam up immediately. She starts to take off her cloak. Quick cut to
Archie.)

Archie (Big-eyed and flabbergasted): Er, yesand now we have(stops
to look at something distracting him on his right side)Don, what are
you doing?! (Zoom in of Don sobbing immensely on the ground)

Don: My dogs! They do not luff me! I must stick them down a hole
where they will no longer have exercise privileges!!

Archie: (Looks straight back at camera, and lets out a nervous half-
laugh). Wellhe certainly loves his dogs! Now, we'll see how Clayton
is going with those garden weeds.

SEGMENT FOUR

(Clayton has given up on all past remedies, and is on his knees,
sweating, and furiously trying to pull out the weeds with his own
hands).

Clayton: Come out you BASTARD!! (Quick cut back to Archie).

Archie (now more concerned for Clayton): Poor old Claytonalways
wanted to get rid of those garden weeds.

Don (interested): They must have been a thorn in his side for many
years.

Archie: Er yes,thankyou, Don. Now we'll cut to Hornblower and Sim
and Simp. Simp..SIMPSON??!! (Archie is shocked at what is written
on the autocue). NoNOGO AWAY!!! (Archie starts to have a fitquick
cut to next segment).

SEGMENT FIVE

Hornblower (in a kitchen, wearing apron): Hello there! My name is
Horatio Hornblower, and here is a chocolate cake that I made earlier
(points to the cake near him). We used the Pellew 1789 Oven, which
produced an amazing result. What we want to do now, is make the same
cake, but use the Horatio 2000 Oven instead, to see if it will
produce the same result. (All of a sudden, Simpson walks into camera
shot)

Simpson: What are you doing running this segment?! I run this
segment! The cake is mine!!!(he starts to lose interest in yelling
because he stops to inspect the cake near him more closely. It's
deliciously tempting. He reaches down and takes a slice with his
right hand.)

Simpson: Very fine; very fine, indeed (sniffs). (He barely finishes
that slice, when he reaches down to take another, this time with his
left hand.)

Hornblower: What do you mean by helping yourself to my cake, sir?

Simpson (mouth full of cake): I should have thought my meaning was
quite obvious.

Hornblower (deciding to ignore Simpson): Well, anyway, here's a mix
that we prepared earlier (close up of cake tin), and now I'm going to
put it in here at 180 degrees for half an hour.

Simpson (pipes in): You're very sure?

Hornblower: It's a mathematical certainty.

Simpson (spits out some cake in disgust): You know too much about
this oven.

(Animated clock shows 30 minutes have passed. Hornblower puts on his
mittens and takes out the golden-brown cake and puts it on the table).

Hornblower: Here, Simpson, have a piece.

Simpson (tries a piece): It's delicious!

Hornblower (modestly): Well it just goes to show that the Horatio
2000 works just as well as the Pellew 1789. (Big triumphant smile
with cute dimples showing. Cut to Archie).

Archie (still recovering from seeing Simpson's name on the autocue
struggling to read the rest): MMMMMMthat was some delicious
chocolate cakewasn't it?

 

SEGEMNT SIX

Pellew: My name is Captain Sir Edward Pellew, and I am the owner of
my travel agency, PellewTravel. I'm here to advise which places you
might like to go for yer holiday. Now, you could go to Spain, where
the Dons are, but I do not care for such overblown places. Same with
France, where the Frogs are. No, my preference is Wales, Scotland,
Ireland or England a big foggy island, north of South-Hampton
think you can find it?? Well, tickets are only 500 pounds each for a
seven-day trip, and includes dinner at the Darlrymple Hotel, located
in each of the places. Ta-ta!! (Cut to Archie again).

Archie (feeling much better): Hello again! Now, we were going to show
you handyman Foster in the workshop, but unfortunately, that segment
as been scrapped because our studio has received word that he's stuck
in boat traffic. But what we do have, is the final conclusion to
Clayton and the weeds. Lets hope that it's a good one!

SEGMENT SEVEN

(Clayton lying on his back on the ground, dying, with weeds covering
him entirely, up to his neck).

Clayton (to Mrs Simpson): I'm sorry, I didn't kill themI thought I
could beat themI had an evenchance(theme song of show starts
playing). Jackie, is the show over? (dies).

(Closing titles and theme song runs)