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Prevaricate Advertisement
by Laura

(Archie walks slowly towards camera with hands clasping)

Archie: Statistics show that 9 out of 10 people will suffer a
headache in their lifetime. Headaches range from a mere tingling in
the head to splitting migraines. There are many headache tablets on
the market, but the No. 1 Bestseller is "Prevaricate". Studies show
that it is so efficient because it contains active ingredients that
stop the pain within 2 minutes to 24 hours.

(turns aside)

What can I do for you, Mr Bush?

Bush: I have been suffering a headache for 7 years. I've tried
everything, including eating turnips, but so far nothing has worked.
Is there nothing I can take to keep my mind off the pain?

Archie: (turns to other side, to Dr Clive)

Mr Bush has been suffering a headache for the past 7 years. Is there
nothing he can take to keep his mind off the pain?

Dr Clive: Come, come. (holds a packet of Prevaricate between his
thumb and forefinger in a sinister manner). An ounce of "Prevaricate"
for the pain, and all will be forgotten.

Horatio: (comes into shot)

Forgotten, Dr Clive. But forgiven?

Archie: (privately to Horatio)

No, no, Horatio. This is only an advertisement we're not acting out
the script. Dr Clive really is giving his medical opinion.

(uneasiness between them)

Horatio: (moves uncomfortably, but then covers his embarrassment with
a stern expression)

Yes, wellcarry on (walks off)

(back to Bush)

Bush: (swallows a tablet of Prevaricate)

Hmmm, yes (rubs his throat in a soothing, contrived way)my throat
feels much better (takes a deep breath)ready, aimFIRE!!!

Archie: Er, no, Mr Bush. It's a headache tablet, remember? Not a
throat lozenge.

Bush: (dumbfounded) What are you implying, Mr Kennedy? I don't think
I care very much for your tone, Sir!

Archie: (sapphire bullets flutter nervously)

Yes, wellas you can see, there clearly is a satisfied customer. Just
take a look at these other testimonies:

 

(Cut to Buckland, new scene)

Buckland: (holding his head in pain) I have a headache! Ah! God help
us!

(a hand comes in shot to give him a packet of Prevaricate)

Ah, yes...PrevaricateGood, goodGlad to hear it.

 

(Cut to Bunting, new scene)

Bunting: I took(struggles to read label on packet)P...Per
Pervecate, and it made me better, bloody be''er, it did! Wasn't
always like thatme friend died from starvation, he did!
No "Pervecate" could help him then!(trails on) I wasn't gunna live
with

 

(Cut to Don Massaredo, new scene)

Don Massaredo: (takes one look at the packet of Prevaricate in his
hand)

What do you want me to say? (looks at the camera man)

 

(Cut to Sawyer, new scene)

Sawyer: (speaking slowly and knowingly)

So you want me to take "Prevaricate" (picking up the packet slowly)
this poisonous medicine. You conspired to poison your captain behind
his back! What's that you say? That I have no life, no friends, no
self-control, dither, dither, dither. Lying, plotting, scheming,
making up medicines DECEIVE ME!!

 

(Cut back to Archie and Dr Clive)

Archie: Now, Dr Clive, are there any side effects?

Dr Clive: (defensive) Side effects? What side effects?!

Archie: From taking "Prevaricate". Like headache or nauseaor getting
the heebie-jeebies?

Dr Clive: I know this medicine, I've conceived it with my own hands!
(trembling with rage).

Bush: You've over-dosed, damn it, you've over-dosed.

Archie: In plain English, Dr Clive, are there any side effects from
taking "Prevaricate"?

Dr Clive: There have been some isolated cases, not extreme, of the
meninges inflaming,causing the brain cells to collide with the co-
efficient of heat expansion Memory loss, in plain English.

Archie: So what is a safe dosage of "Prevaricate"?

Dr Clive: Some people need fifty gallons before they notice any
difference. Some others(pointing to Sawyer) only need half a packet
shoved down their throat before they are subdued. There!

Well, I don't know! You decide! Cure yerselves!!

 

(Cut back to Archie, looking directly at camera)

Archie: So there you have it. "Prevaricate" is the most clinically
advanced pharmaceutical remedy for headaches and other brain
ailments. Take only as directed. And if pain persists, keep
prevaricating.

***