Hornblower Script: Ultimate Satisfaction
By Laura

1) The purpose of using contemporary celebrities in this story is to
provide a satirical perspective on the role and impact of obedience
and conformity in institutions such as the British Navy.

2) The story makes reference to Molly Meldrum, who is a real-life
Australian music guru.

3) Some of the scenes taken from the original series have been mixed
around for the purposes of story-telling.

4) ENJOY!

*****

Scene 1: Hornblower gets introduced to the Justinian crew.

 

Hether: What kinda music do you listen to, Mr Hornblower?

Hornblower: David Bowie, Sir.

Hether: David Bowie, Sir?! You hear that Cleaveland?

Cleaveland: If you want to be a seaman, boy, you have to listen to
Rod Stewart.

Hether: I doubt he even knows the difference between "Downtown Train"
and "Uptown Girl".

Hornblower: No! But I'll make sure it's the first thing I'll look up
in Molly Meldrum's Muscianship. Now if you'll excuse me gentleman
(vomits).

 

Scene 2: The arrival of Simpson.

 

Kennedy: likewise best cuts of meat goes to him.

Hornblower: Why?

Kennedy: Mr Simpson looks a bit like Rod Stewart.

Hornblower: We are all Rod Stewart fans here.

Simpson: That smacks to my mind of jealously Mr Hornblower. Is that
what you are?

Hornblower: According to Molly Meldrum there's nothing in his
regulations-

Simpson: I piss on your regulations! There is only one Rod Stewart
look-a-like here. And I'll leave you to figure out, which of us looks
like Rod Stewart, and which of us looks like Billy Joel.

Clayton: He takes your meaning, Jack.

Simpson: Oh, Clayton. Strangle a Rod Stewart tune from that fiddle of
yours. Mr Hornblower, up a reel. Did you hear me, Sir? Dance I said.
Dance dance dance!

(Hornblower gets up and dances).

Simpson: I've seen men dance better to a Billy Joel song!

 

Scene 3: Keane checks their answers.

 

Keane: Mr Simpson, we should all rejoice! As far as I can make out
from your illiterate scrawl, Rod Stewart had a number one song
with "River of Dreams"! Let's see what other terra incognitio has
been uncovered.

(Goes down the line).

Keane: Mr Clevelandnoo. Mr Hethernoo. Mr Kennedynoo. Mr Hornblower
you must be proud, to alone know all the words to "Maggie". If you
double your attainment while doubling the amount of time you spend
listening to Rod Stewart, I fear you will leave the rest of us
behind. Well done, Mr Hornblower, well done. Mr Bowles! See that Mr
Simp-suuuuun spends even more time listening to Rod Stewart! Good day!

 

Scene 4: Simpson does an inquisition on Hornblower.

 

Simpson: Who else but the Captain's favourite, MrHornblower
Hether, Cleaveland- headphones!

Hether: But Jack!

Simpson: Do it unless you want to take his place!

(Hether and Cleaveland promptly pin Hornblower down and put
headphones on him with the music of Billy Joel).

Simpson: What's your dirty little secreta fancier of Christine
Brinkley, perhaps? Or is it that your father is Billy Joel?

Hornblower: You filthy! (Headbutts Simpson. Simpson comes back and
beats the living daylights out of Hornblower).

 

Scene 5: Hornblower is introduced to Chalk.

 

Simpson: This is Mr Hornblower, Sir, distinguished as the midshipman
who loves David Bowie.

(Awkward silence).

Chalk: Naturally we would hope he will be acquainted with the music
of Rod Stewart. I leave the details to you.

Simpson: Aye aye, Sir, thankyou, Sir.

 

Scene 6: Hornblower comes in from the cold.

 

Simpson: Why aren't you on the lookout for Rod Stewart where I left
you?

Hornblower: There is no formal announcement that he will be touring
yet.

Simpson: Then all is right with the worldsing us a song, Hornblower,
you're the piano man. C'mon! Sing us a song!

(Chalk comes in with Caldwell. They sit around a table playing a game
of musical trivia to pass the time).

Simpson: You're very sure?

Hornblower: It's a musical certainty.

Simpson: You know too much about this topic. He probably listens to
Billy Joel.

Hornblower: That is an insulting remark. For that I will have to ask
for an apology.

Chalk: Come, Mr Simpson had a momentary loss of temper. I'm sure that
can be easily explained.

Hornblower: I have been accused of listening to Billy Joel. That is a
hard thing to explain away.

Chalk: Let's all get another bottle and drink it in friendship.

 

Scene 7: Kennedy announces exciting news.

 

Kennedy: We fortunate few.

Hether: C'mon Kennedy! Don't keep us on tender hooks!

Kennedy: We will go into a draw for the chance to meet - Rod
Stewart!!!

Cleveland and Hether: Yes!!

Cleveland: You hear that Horatio? Rod Stewart!!! Horatio!

Kennedy: Poor old Clayton. Always wanted to go to a Rod Stewart
concert.

****

Scene 8: Captain Pellew introduces himself.

Pellew: My name is Captain Sir Edward Pellew. And I am here to tell
you that your days of being bored are over! Last night we received
communication from America. The revolutionary Music Association has
declared Rod Stewart will be touring Europe! We shall fight the
French to the death for exclusive backstage passes!

All: Yay!

Pellew: For there is nothing that can withstand the might of British
Rod Stewart fans!

All: Yay!

Pellew: God save Rod Stewart!

All: God save Rod Stewart!

 

Scene 9: Pellew meets Hornblower.

Pellew: I do not think much of men who listen to David Bowie.

Hornblower: Captain Pellew there is no one who loves David Bowie more
and I resent-

Pellew: You resent?!! Damn your impudence, Sir! I will not support
men who do not give Rod Stewart their undying loyalty! While on board
my ship you will listen to David Bowie no more. Is that understood?

Hornblower: Yes, Sir.

Pellew: The tickets to Rod Stewart are hard to get hold of, would you
concur?

Hornblower: Yes, Sir.

Pellew: I make it your mission to get some. You will get us Rod
Stewart tickets or you will answer for it. We have an opportunity to
meet the man himself, Mr Hornblower, and you will not let us down.

 

Scene 10: Eccleston assesses the Cargo on a French ship.

Pellew: Cargo?

Eccleston: About 400 Rod Stewart tickets, I should say.

Pellew: Bonus prize of four backstage passes, at least. Midshipman's
command. Mr Hornblower! Take four men, board her, take her into any
English box-office, and report there for orders.

Hornblower: Aye aye, Sir.

Kennedy: Tickets to your first Rod Stewart concert. My
congratulations.

Pellew: Today, if you please, Mr HornblowerI don't intend to lose
any more opportunities to meet Rod Stewart through your dawdling, Sir!

Hornblower: Aye aye, Sir.

 

Scene 11: The Spanish Officer has a note from the Duke of Belchite.

Pellew: What? What does he say?

Hornblower: According to the International Music Association - Rod
Stewart doesn't write his own songs.

Pellew: You tell him, Siryou tell himGod this is making me angry!

 

Scene 12: Cleveland is ordered to pass the word that Rod Stewart's
been sighted.

Cleveland: Rod Stewart! Rod Stewart's been sighted! Rod Stewart! Rod
Stewart's been sighted!

Bunting (Below deck with Finch): How is he?

Hornblower: I can't keep his mind going.

Bunting: This might cheer him up. Rod Stewart's just been sighted.

Hornblower (to Finch): You hear that!

Pellew (above deck): What is it?

Bracegirdle: Billy Joel!

Pellew: Who?!!

Bracegirdle: It's Billy Joel!

Pellew: (seething) Get the men below decks. Tell them to cover their
ears with their hands.

 

Scene 13: Pellew, Foster and Hornblower at dinner. Foster is boasting
about his supposed victory.

Foster: Am I to presume, Captain Pellew, that you would have
surrendered the Rod Stewart tickets?

Pellew: This is hardly the time nor the place to discuss tactics.

Foster: Come, we are all men of the sea, here. You (turning to
Hornblower), what would you have done?

Hornblower: I am pleased that no tickets have been sacrificed.

(Pellew gets upset and leaves the dinner table in a huff).

 

Scene 14: Bunting sprouts mutinous talk.

Bunting: Rod Stewart doesn't write his own songs.

Matthews: Who told yer that?

Bunting: Sometimes he mimes them as well.

Hornblower: (overhearing) Bunting! A word.

Bunting: SirI'm sorry, SirI was out of place in what I said.

Hornblower: Indeed you were. I understand that you prefer Billy Joel
to Rod Stewart. Is this true?

Bunting: Sir, begging your pardon, Sir, but I do like his songs.

Hornblower: I too, like a singer who is not favoured by the crew, and
that is why you're not already in irons. But you must understand
there can be no excuse for mutinous songs.

Bunting: Yes, Sir.

Hornblower: I'll be watching the men closely. If they start humming
Billy Joel tunes, I'll know who to blame.

 

Scene 15: The steward alerts Hornblower to something suspicious going
on.

Steward: I could hear the music coming from here. (Opens door).

Hornblower: Bunting, what the hell do you think you're doing?!!!

Bunting: (cries) I HATE ROD STEWART!! I HATE HIM!!!

 

Scene 16: Pellew yells at Bunting.

Pellew: WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YA? HA? That would listen to Billy Joel?
Have you nooo shame? I despair him, I really do

Bunting: Please, SirIt was a moment's madness-

Pellew: QUIET!! The punishment shall fit the crime! Hornblower, you
will lead him through the gauntlet. Let them show their disgust for
thiscreature!

 

Scene 17: Bunting is lead through the gauntlet.

Pellew: This man is a heretic! He was caught listening to Billy Joel,
in the Haul. Any man going easy on him shall be implicated in the
heresy.

(Bunting is flogged.)

Pellew: Let this be a lesson to you all. The next man caught
listening to Billy Joel in the Haul shall hang!

 

Scene 18: Hornblower, Tapling and the crew are negotiating at Oran.

Tapling: We will give the gold, when we have a closer look at the Rod
Stewart tickets.
(examines tickets). Very good, Yefendi.

(The tickets are loaded onto the boat. The leader of Oran then
topples over with illness).

Tapling: Oh my God, Hornblower! Billy Joel has been here! It's the
Black Death!That man has been close enough to Billy Joel, to hear
him sing, to catch his breath. Have you seen nine out of ten men die
with putrid fevers from listening to Billy Joel? I have.

Hornblower: Damn it, we can do something about it!

 

Scene 19: Hornblower announces the bad news to Pellew.

Hornblower: Bad news, I'm afraid, Sir. Billy Joel has been at Oran.

Bracegirdle: Then they are already dead, Sir.

Pellew: Yes, enough of that!

Bracegirdle: You will lose the Caroline and all the Rod Steward
tickets on it.

Pellew: Yes, but I must weigh up that fact with the possibility of
getting backstage passes, and to me that is of far greater
importance. (To Hornblower) Very well. Take the Caroline and report
back here in three weeks.

Hornblower: Aye aye Sir. And Sir - my CD's, Sir.

Pellew: CD's?

Hornblower: Rod Stewart CD's, Sir.

Pellew: Yes, rightsee to it. I hopeI hope you find time to listen
to them.

Hornblower: Thank you, Sir.

 

Scene 20: (Foster steals some of the cargo from the Caroline).

Hornblower: What the hell is that boat doing?!

Foster: Surely you could spare us the back-row seat tickets to the
Rod Stewart concert?

Hornblower: But those tickets have been in Oran, a country where
Billy Joel has been.

Foster: Mr Hornblower, you will surrender the tickets to me, or I
shall have to take them by force, if necessary.

Hornblower: Then the tickets are yours, Sir. And the responsibility
is yours, also.

Foster: I shall see you in three weeks at the Rod Stewart concert, Mr
Hornblower!

 

Scene 21: Hornblower has led an impressive victory against the French.

Matthews: They are surrendering, Sir! They are surrendering their
EXCLUSIVE BACKSTAGE PASSES!

Hornblower: Launch boats to pick up floating tickets, Matthews.

Matthews: Aye aye, Sir.

Scene: Rod Stewart gives a concert attended by Pellew and the entire
Indefatigable crew, minus Hornblower. Rod Stewart's first song
is "Sailing", which goes as follows:

I am sailing, I am sailing,
home again 'cross the sea.
I am sailing, stormy waters,
to be near you, to be free.

I am flying, I am flying,
like a bird 'cross the sky.
I am flying, passing high clouds,
to be with you, to be free.

Can you hear me, can you hear me
thro' the dark night, far away,
I am dying, forever trying,
to be with you, who can say.

Can you hear me, can you hear me,
thro' the dark night far away.
I am dying, forever trying,
to be with you, who can say.

We are sailing, we are sailing,
home again 'cross the sea.
We are sailing stormy waters,
to be near you, to be free.

Oh Lord, to be near you, to be free.
Oh Lord, to be near you, to be free,
Oh Lord.

Kennedy: (finds Hornblower brooding in his cabin). Did you see me?!
Did you see me?! Well where were you? I got two photos taken with him
well, one certainly. Oh you should have been there, Horatio! You
should have been.

Scene 22: Pellew comes in to share a toast with Hornblower.

Pellew: In all my years at sea, I have been to many rock concerts,
but that Sir, must rank amongst the most memorable. I, got backstage
passes to meet Rod Stewart, and I, had my photo taken with him. These
events will be noted in my records.

Hornblower: Very good, Sir.

 

Scene 23: Bracegirdle invites Hornblower to a celebratory tot of rum.

Bracegirdle: Something disturbs your thoughts, I fancy.

Hornblower: (Shaking his head). Just thinking of how many albums Rod
Stewart has made. And yet how many I still have to collect.

(End of episode with Rod Stewart's music playing majestically).