Hornblower and Simpson's Duel
by Sarah

Based on the fight between King Arthur and the Black Knight in 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'
--
Hornblower and his trusty friend Archie walk along through the woods.
Suddenly they come upon a stream crossing where two midshipmen are duelling. One is [c] and the other one is Simpson. Hornblower stops and watches the duel.
The two midshipmen attempt to kill each other with pistol. Finally, when the Simpson kills [c]. The [c] falls to the ground, bleeding profusely. Hornblower, impressed with Simpson's aim.
Hornblower: You fight with the strength of many men, Mr Simpson.
(Simpson does not respond)
Hornblower: I am Horatio Hornblower of the Justinian.
(No response)
Hornblower: I seek satisfaction for the remark you made regarding the game of whist we played.
(No response)
Hornblower: You make me sad. So be it! Come, Archie!
As Hornblower and Archie start to walk past Simpson, he suddenly speaks:
Simpson: NONE SHALL PASS.
Hornblower: (taken aback) What?
Simpson: NONE SHALL PASS.
Hornblower: You have insulted me I demand satisfaction.
Simpson: THEN YOU SHALL DIE.
Hornblower: So be it! (Both draw out loaded pistols)
They both shoot and miss. Then both Hornblower and Simpson draw their cutlasses as they duel Hornblower cuts Simpson's arm off.
Hornblower: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Simpson: 'Tis but a scratch.
Hornblower: A SCRATCH? Your arm's off!
Simpson: No it isn't!
Hornblower: Well what's that then? (Pointing to the arm lying on the ground)
Simpson: I've had worse.
Hornblower: You LIAR!
Simpson: Come on, snotty!
There follows an even shorter foray, at the end of which Hornblower easily cuts off the Simpson's right arm, causing it and the Simpson's cutlass to drop to the ground. Blood spatters freely from the stump.
Hornblower: Victory is mine!
Simpson: Come on, then! (Kicks Hornblower)
Hornblower: What?!?
Simpson: (kicking him again) Have at you!
Hornblower: You are indeed brave, Simpson, but the fight is mine!
Simpson: Ohhh, had enough, eh?
Hornblower: Look, you stupid idiot, you've got no arms left!
Simpson: Yes I have!
Hornblower: LOOK!!!
Simpson: Just a flesh wound! (Kicking Hornblower again)
Hornblower: Look, belay that!
Simpson: Chicken!!! Chicken!!!!!!!
Hornblower: Look, I'll have your leg!
(The Simpson continues his kicking)
Hornblower: RIGHT! (He chops off the Simpson leg with his sword)
Simpson: (hopping) Right! I'll do you for that!
Hornblower: You'll *WHAT*?
Simpson: Come 'ere snotty!
Hornblower: (tiring of this) What're you going to do, bleed on me?
Simpson: I'm *INVINCIBLE*!!!
Hornblower: You're a looney....
Simpson: I Simpson ALWAYS TRIUMPH! Have at you!!
(Hopping around, trying to kick Hornblower with his one remaining leg)
Hornblower shrugs his shoulders and, with a mighty swing, removes the Simpson last limb. The Simpson falls to the ground. He looks about, realizing he can't move.
Simpson: Okay, we'll call it a draw.
Hornblower: Come, Archie! (They walk away)
Simpson: (calling after them) Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take what's coming to you, you cowardly frog!! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!