Windows '99, The Hornblower Edition
by Michele


WINDOWS '99 HORNBLOWER EDITION [aka Portholes 2000, special thanks to
Joan Curtin for coming up with the name Portholes 2000 and the idea
of doing an Indy version of that humourous 'NJ version of Windows'
email that's been going round.... :)

Dear Consumers:
--It has come to our attention that a few copies of the
WINDOWS '99 HORNBLOWER EDITION may have accidentally been shipped
outside the Hornblower Community. If you have one of these, you may
need some help understanding the commands.

--The HORNBLOWER EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening
screen. It reads: "My Name's H-H-Hornblower, Sir.." with a background
picture of a The Duchess and Mariette fighting over an autographed
picture of Ioan Gruffudd. It is shipped with a "Wisdom From Morry's
Seamanship" screen saver alternating with a "Tall Ships" screen saver.

-- Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Bring A Bucket"
Dial-up Networking is called "Share Your Thoughts On HH"
Control Panel is known as the "The Admiralty"
Hard Drive is referred to as "Row, You Beauties!"
My Documents is labeled "Dear Dad, I Am Very Happy Here"
WinZip is referred to as "Did You Bring Your Dunnage Aboard?"
RealPlayer is called "Strangle A Tune From That Fiddle of Yours"
Acrobat is known as "DANCE, DANCE, DANCE!"
Instead of an error message a "Darn your impudence, sir!" pops up.

--CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN HORNBLOWER EDITION:
OK...............As you please, Jack...
Cancel...........Belay that!
Reset............Alter course, Matthews, due west...
Yes..............Aye aye, sir!!
No...............Oh bugger dinner!
Find.............Open up terra incognitia
Go to............All hands to make sail!
Back.............Come About
Undo.............Avast
Help.............He's DY-INNNG!!!
Start............Let Go!
Settings.........Course
Send.............Despatch
Reply............Knuckle A Salute
Priority.........With Utmost Expedition
Delete...........Disrate
Insert...........Press Into Service
Contacts.........Division
Print/Fax........FIYAH!!
Fatal Error......Sailing your ship into a nest of Dons

--Also note that any voice recognition software run on the HORNBLOWER
EDITION platform does not recognize the letter "R."

--Some programs that are exclusive to HORNBLOWER WINDOWS '99:
Quill and Ink.....................A word processing program
Sextant and Slate.................Calculator
Navigational Chart................Notepad
A Good Four Thousand Pounds.......Money Management Software

--We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you
received a copy of the HORNBLOWER EDITION. You may return it to the
manufacturer for a replacement version.